Laugh Dammit !

[Rogue Angel]

yes... *nodding*... not supposed to be ha-ha funny.... more like moronically ironic. nevermind what smoking does, but those jackhammers just have to go! *rme*....

[Rogue Angel]

Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over to the other and says, "What are you in here for?"

The other says, "Circumcision."

The first boy says "Oh, man! I had that done right after I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

[ellanoize]

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, ?Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!?

?Woah, what the hell happened to him??

?Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn?t brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.?

?What a horrible way to die!?

?No no, he survived that, that didn?t kill him at all. So, he?s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he?s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He?s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.?

?What a way to go, that?s terrible!?

?No no, that didn?t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.?

?Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!?

?No no, that didn?t kill him, he even survived that. So he?s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.?

?Man, what a way to go!?

?No no, he survived that, he survived that! He?s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn?t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.?

?Now that is one awful way to go!?

?No no, he survived that??

?Hold on now, just how the hell did he die??

?I shot him!?

?You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for??

?He was wrecking my house.?

[ellanoize]

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed
the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day
Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe
he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week
or so, Sam got worried. Unfortunately he didn't know where Bill
lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

After a month passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but
one day, Sam approached the park and there sat Bill. Sam excited and
happy, said how glad he was to see him, then blurted out, "For crying
out loud, what on earth happened to you?"

"I've been in jail, "Bill said, with some embarrassment.

"Jail?" cried Sam, "What in the world for?"
Well," Bill said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"
Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and at 89 years old,
I was so proud, that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty."
And you were convicted of rape?", asked Sam, stunned.
Bill replied, "No, the judge gave me thirty days for perjury."

[ellanoize]

A husband took his wife to play her first game of
golf. She promptly hacked her first shot right
through the window of the biggest house adjacent to
the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be
careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the
owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is
going to cost us." So, the couple walked up to the
house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door, they saw the damage that
was done: glass was all over the floor, and a broken
antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken
window. A large man reclining on the couch asked,
"Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh...yes, Sir. We're very sorry about that," The
husband replied.

"Oh, No apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank
you.
You see, I'm a Genie, and I've been trapped in that
bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released
me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you
each one wish, but, if you don't mind, I'll keep the
last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" The husband said. He pondered a
moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a
year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it; it's the
least I can do. And, I'll guarantee you a long,
healthy life! Now you, young lady, what do you want?"
The genie asked the wife.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home, complete with
servants, in every country In the world," she said.

"Consider it done, "the genie said." And your homes
will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural
disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your
wish, Genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and
haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand
years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, Honey,
you know we both now have a fortune, and all those
houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You
know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I
guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!"

So, the genie and the woman went upstairs where they
spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of
non-stop sex, he rolled over, looked directly into her
eyes, and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly.

"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five-years-old, and
both of you still believe in genies?"

[mRs.GaToR]

*ROFLMAO* OMG! *L*

[Rogue Angel]

*giggles like a little kid*

[ellanoize]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

[SummerStorm]

lmfao those are funny and i really liked that last one

[ellanoize]

I am glad that I am able to help spread a few smiles...

New Rules:

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the basketball team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule : Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule : If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half- soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that--It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule : If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other show.