New Funnies for Tuesday :-)

[phoenixrising79]

Late to work
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"

[phoenixrising79]

Cross Examination
A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness when he stopped and said, ?Your honor, a juror is asleep.?

The Judge ruled, ?You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up.?

[phoenixrising79]

No Tail Light
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

[phoenixrising79]

Deep Thoughts about Pigs & Sheep
- Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?

- Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?

- If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?

- If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters?

- If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it?

- If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?

- What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'?

- What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

- Why can't pigs look up into the sky?

- Why do pigs have curly tails?

- Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs?

- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

- Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?

- Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it?

- Would a small pig be called a hamlet?