script

[emjen]

http://www.geocities.com/moviescriptos

thats kind of my weird sense of humour, but the point is, how can i improve it and did it made you laugh?

If there are any sp or grammar whatsoever faults in it its probably because i quickly translated it from dutch into english. Please look over them.

[deanl]

Hey there.

"The young mans 'morning dick' is clearly to be seen. His 'helmet'is to be seen above his underpants."

Hmmmm...... Dutch you say?


Despin out.

[deanl]

Hey there.

Ok I just finished reading. First things f*ckin last. Dont give up your day job. Unless of course your day job is screenwriting. Because thay was chuffin lame. WHAT WAS THE POINT.

Every other line of dialog is "you sucked your mothers c*unt? WTF. Then you steal an entire scene from Goodfellas/Back to The Futire 3. And whats the punchline? A grown man asking an 8 year old girl if she sucked her father d*ck.

Either the Dutch have a weird sense of humor or you are just a complete moron.

Despin out.

[Mods]

For once I agree with Depsin. That wasn't a script, it was you getting in the word c*nt as many times as possible.

Sorry. It was sh1t.

Try writing a propper script, I'm sure you'd do a good one. But, as the Mafia Boss would say:
"Not like that you cuntsucker!"

PS, it wasn't remotely humorous.

[img]smile.gif[/img]
Mods

[emjen]

allright i guess it looked better in my head than on paper.

(havent seen back to the futere 3 and good fellas btw)

There is absolutely no point in this script. I just thought the idea of some guy telling you you sucked your mothers **** funny.

It makes no sense. Yes, thats my type of humour, it doesnt make sense.

right now I 'm having the idea of a guy with a nasty tick; he has to ejaculate in every corner he hasnt yet ejaculated in. Puts him in nasty situations.

HAH but i guess thats just my stupid type of humour again as well huh?

OH well, you care for some more serious attemts in a proper script? (i can post some conversations between people and you guys say if they **** or are 'intelligent' as you call it)

[SoulJacker]

WTF?? Paul Whitehouse you ain't.

[emjen]

who is paul whitehouse?

anyhoo, for those who care, here are some conversations between a group of friends. They're aged between 20-24 and share the same hobby/job.

-----------
MYLES
Oh yes yes, before I forget, there will be someone from Japan who wants to see us tomorrow. I don?t know at what time exactly, but one of us has to stay home after the fight.

TODD
A Japanese guy? Why the **** does he want to see us? Do they even know us in Japan?

Todd is surprisded by the fact that someone in Japans knows the guys.

MYLES
I don?t know, but he contacted me, he said he has some kind of important errand.

GILLES
(bored)
Jolly.

MYLES
Well anyways, have some sleep, tomorrow is a buzy day.

JON
Thank you for the wise advice, good sir.

Grins appear on everyones face, except on Myles. They continue on their meal.

TODD
(to Roy)
Can you pass me the salt, please?

ROY
Salt?

TODD
Yes, the salt.

ROY
There?s already enough salt on that man.

TODD
So? I?m not tasting it.

ROY
Salt?s bad for you.

TODD
What?

ROY
Too much salt is bad for your health.

TODD
What are you? My mother?

ROY
Do I look like a fat ***** to you?

TODD
You talk like one.

JON
Man, everything these days is bad for you.

TODD
Yes, I bet brushing your teeth even has some weird side effects.

ROY
Well, it does you see, when you?

TODD
(interrupts)
Oh shut up. Come on, give me the salt!

ROY
No man, you already have too much salt on that. You?ll thank me later.

JON
Then what exactly is the bad thing about salt?

ROY
I?m just saying that too much salt makes the natrium balance in your body ****** up.

TODD
Come on pass me the **** salt.

ROY
You know why your sweat tastes salty?

TODD
Because of the ****** up natrium balance?

MYLES
(to Roy)
Man, who the **** cares if you have too much salt in your body, just give him the **** salt.

ROY
Your body loses too much fluid.

Myles grabs the salt.

ROY
Not too much man, not good for ya.

TODD
Shut up.

--------------------------------------
(...)

MYLES
Even though we do not make much money, I?m glad that I don?t work here. Just look at all those stressful faces.

A woman aged 50 walks by in a fast pase with a ?difficult? expression on her face.
MYLES
Pathetic. Do they even enjoy their job?

GILLES
I don?t know?

MYLES
That they enjoy their job?

GILLES
I doubt that they enjoy their job, but at least it gives them some securi-ty. They know that they?ll receive money at the end of each month, they know how much, and they know that they can make enough money to live hapil-ly after the age of 65.

MYLES
**** that. I don?t want to live like that. Work all day long for so called money, which you can only spend on clothes food and your house. People like that don?t have enough time to have fun.

Another man walks by.

GILLES
Of course they do. Ever heard of vacations?

MYLES
So you mean you?d like to have a job like that? With your life only exis-ting of sleeping, working and an occasional holiday?

GILLES
No, that would **** . But I don?t see myself fighting like this in 25 years.

MYLES
No, by then you?re famous and you?ve made enough money to have a vacation the rest of your life.

GILLES
That would be boring.

MYLES
I don?t think so. I would have enough to do. I?d have my wife, my kids, and I won?t be living in a big fancy house in a big fancy city, but in a huge rainforest or something. My children would be little Tarzans.

GILLES
Yes, but they grow up too. They end up working as well, not everyone can have a nice little dream life like you my lad.

MYLES
Man? These days a man?s life is only about working. Work work work. You go to school only because you are going to work after school. You learn some-thing at school only because you will end up doing a job what you?ve lear-ned for. After you?ve finished your study, the only thing you will do is work. Work and sleep. And the stupid thing is, little kids begin to work earlier. They begin to work when they?re still in school, as a little job to get some money. They don?t realise the amount of freedom they?re given right now. They only want more work so that they can get more money. After school, work is the only thing you?ll do in your life. I say the later you start working the better.

GILLES
If you don?t work you ain?t getting any money to do funny things.

MYLES
Then work only to do those things.

GILLES
You know what a stupid little house costs these days?

MYLES
Not so much that you have to work your whole life for it.

GILLES
A normal house costs a ******* much. You won?t be able to buy it when you work one day of the week.

MYLES
Then you are or wanting a too expensive house or are making too little mo-ney.

Gilles checks his watch.

GILLES
Yeah yeah whatever man. Not everyone has the luck of being better or smar-ter than other people. They have to be happy with the things they have and with the things they do. We?re lucky that we are doing this and that we?re doing it well.

Myles looks around himself.

MYLES
Any minute now.

---------------------------------------


Todd and Jon are relaxing in the backyard, with the sun shining nicely on their heads. They both have their casual clothes on, a t-shirt with shorts. Jon is checking the newspaper uninterested. Todd is just looking in the garden. It?s quite for a while.
JON
Yo Todd check this.

Jon unfolds the newspaper and shows it to Todd.

TODD
And that is?

JON
Miss Universe.

Todd bends over a little more to look closer at it, but Jon already took it away from him.

TODD
Dude let me see!

JON
Nice eh?

Jon shows it again to Todd.

TODD
Wow, where?s she from?

JON
Says underneath the picture.

Todd looks closer at the newspaper to read the small lines underneath the picture.
TODD
Lotte from? Holland. 21 years old.

JON
21?
(Jon turns around the newspaper again and starts looking at it with great concentration.)
Man, she?s my age!

TODD
(laughs)
Haha dude, you might as well start having an afaire with God.

JON
No, that would be ?mpossible.

TODD
(sarcastic and ?surprised?)
NOO?

JON
(Still looking with great concentration)
She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

TODD
A thing?

JON
No, not a thing, she?s a? miracle.

Todd stands up and looks over Jon?s shoulder to the picture.

TODD
She?s beautiful yes. Very beautiful.

JON
I swear man, no man is allowed to touch her beautifulness. She h?s to be a lesbo.

TODD
What?

JON
No man is a match for her amount of beauty. Only a woman who?s as beautiful and tender as she is is allowed to touch her.

Todd looks a little surprised now.

JON
I mean, can you imagine a guy riding over her and saying things like ?oh come one girl **** me harder one more time?? No man, a man is not allowed to touch her. That?s some sort of honor code of men, or something.

TODD
What if she wanted to **** your dick?

JON
**** NO! A thing that filthy in a mouth that beautiful??? Even the pret-tiest **** in the whole wide world with the taste of all the things you?d like to **** on all day wouldn?t be enough to touch the inside of her mouth.

TODD
Now that would be true love, eh? ?oh my dearest, you are so beautiful, if you were just a bit uglier i was allowed to touch you?, ?thank you my love, if you were a pretty girl i wouldnt mind, but unfortunately you are a per-son with a dick? ?as long as i can look at you i?ll be allright, my love?.

JON
Oh shut up.

Todd goes to his chair again and checks his watch. He looks over his shoul-der in the house through the front window. No one?s there.

TODD
What time was that Japanese guy supposed to show up?

JON
Before 6 o clock i believe. Wasn?t really specific.

Todd sees that Jon went back to checking the picture.

TODD
Dude, you will never get a girl like that.

JON
If I won?t meet her, I won?t be getting her, I?ll give you that. But to-night, I?ll show you that I ?m able to get very beautiful girl.

TODD
We?ll see.

Then suddenly the backdoor opens. Todd and Jon look check the person who?s coming in. THe first thing they see is a foot trying to keep the door open.

ROY
Fellas.

Roy walks in carrying a large bag with groceries. He can barely hold the stuff. He wears a baseball hat with a hawaiian shirt.

Roy walks through the open glass door of the house.

ROY
He still ain?t here yet?

TODD
Nope.
---------

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ June 11, 2002 09:31 AM: Message edited by: emjen ]</font>

[deanl]

Hey there.

I heard Burger King is looking for staff. I would seriously consider applying.

Despin out.

[zTolerance]

Well...

It wasn't really THAT bad, pretty good, but I think the characters and the dialog was a bit lacking. Keep working with it, they didn't build Rome in one day you know.

[emjen]

despin say what i should improve on my dialog instead of saying i it stinks, please.

This ?s my first script.

So ho can i improve on my dialog? (based on this, you dont know what the story's about)