Untitled

**deanl** · December 8th, 2002, 08:51 PM

Hey there.

I started writng a new screenplay today. I didnt have an outline or anything. Just started writing. I'm not sure where its going. Its pretty rough at the moment. All the names and places are are only temps. Im up to page 18. I thought I'd post the first 5 pages on here.

If your intrested take a look abd tell me what you think so far. Feel free to say WHATEVER you want about it.

I wouldnt post it if I couldnt handle the critics.

EXT. RIVERBANK - DAY

A river surrounded by a mix of meadows and dense forest.

The river runs fast and wild.

Footprints are clearly visible in the moody river bank.

EXT. FOREST EDGE - EVENING

The edge of the forest is lined by a BARBED WIRE FENCE.

It's six feet high and runs as far as the eye can see.

Caught in the grip of the barbed wire, pieces of FLESH and FUR rot away slowly. Something sticks out though. It's some kind of GARMENT. Even in it's murky and tattered state it stands out among the rest of the fences prey.

EXT. FOREST - EVENING

A CRACKLING FIRE can be heard.

Moving through the forest the sound gets louder, a sizzling sounds joins the chorus.

Its the sound of COOKING MEAT.

EXT. FOREST CAMP - NIGHT

A makeshift camp made up of a SLEEPING BAG, some collected FIREWOOD and a FIRE slowly spit roasting CUT OF MEAT.

Running this veritable "home from home" is MULANSKY a weathered hunter type in his late forties.

Mulansky sits on a his sleeping bag. He wields a 12 INCH BOWIE KNIFE. He intricately carves something out of what looks like a SMALL PIECE OF WOOD.

He puts down the wood and leans over to the fire.

He carves a piece of meat from the spit. He eats and places a TIN CUP on the fire. He takes a WATER POUCH from his BAG and pours water into the heated tin.

He stops dead.

He hears something we don't. He hears it again. We hear it this time. It's someone approaching.

Mulansky stays cool as a cucumber. He sits back down and reaches into his bag. He pulls out a REVOLVER, checks that

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It's loaded. It is. He places it underneath his sleeping bag. He continues making his hot drink.

After a few moments Mulansky breaks the silence.

MULANSKY
Are you going to stand out there all night, or are you gonna come and sit down by the fire?

We hear more sounds of nearby movement.

Mulansky takes his drink off the fire and tastes.

From out of the darkness of the forest, a MAN appears. In his thirties, tired and dirty. He is in bare feet, prison issue trousers and a ripped to shreds shirt. He's *******d, and bruised. He looks half dead.

Mulansky hardly acknowledges his arrival.

The Man rushes to the fire and tries to warm his bones.

He sees the sizzling meat and obviously hungry, looks for an invitation to eat.

Mulansky slowly finishes his drink. He picks up his knife and passes it over to the Man.

The Man takes the knife and cuts some meat. He wolfs it down and cuts some more.

MULANSKY
You want some water?

The Man nods.

Mulansky pours some water and passes it over.

The Man eats, drinks, and gets a little warmer.

MULANSKY
You English?

The Man takes more meat and nods.

MULANSKY
You sure made it deep. Half dressed with no shoes. I wouldn't give a man 12 hours in this weather.

The man continues to eat and drink.

Mulansky getting a little frustrated with the lack of conversation, picks up his wood carving and looks to the Man to pass him his knife back.

The Man is not paying attention. He is cutting more meat from the spit.

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MULANSKY
You don't talk much do ya boy.

The Man shakes his head.

MULANSKY
Ya sure like eatin though don't ya.
(beat)
Your gonna need something on your feet if your gonna walk out of here.
(beat)
Let me see what I got.

Mulansky turns and leans over to his bag.

That instant the Man jumps up and dives over the fire, knife in hand. He stabs it deep into Whistlers side.

Mulansky lets out a scream.

MULANSKY
You son of a ***** .

The Man twists the knife and pushes Mulansky onto his back.

He places his hand over Mulankys mouth and pushes the knife in further and waits for him to die. It doesn't take long.

MAN
(whispering into Mulansky's ear)
Thanks old Man.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST CAMP - MORNING

Flies hover and feast on Mulankys dead body. He has been striped of his clothes and been left propped up against a tree.

The Man is sleeping in Mulankys sleeping bag. He wakes and takes in the cold morning air. He is well slept, well fed and feeling better already.

He gets up and eats some of the left over, over cooked meat.

He checks out the camp for the first time in daylight. He finds the water pouch and finishes it off. He rolls up and ties up the sleeping bag.

He spots the revolver, picks it up and checks that it's loaded.

He picks up Mulanskys bag puts the gun inside. He puts the water pouch and what's left of the meat in there too. He takes one last look around, there's nothing else to take.

He heads off into the woods.

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EXT. FOREST EDGE - DAY

A railroad runs right by the forest at full speed.

We see the Man just inside the tree line. He Watches the train go by then walks out onto the tracks. He looks around.

The only sign of civilization within two hundred miles just flew by at fifty miles an hour.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST EDGE - LATER

The same area of track as before. This time the man is not stood at the edge of the tree line. He is hid in a tree.

A train appears on the horizon.

The Man gets ready. The bag and sleeping bag strapped to his back.

The train rushes closer.

The Man edges out onto the edge of a branch.

The train is almost right upon us.

The train starts to speed by.

He waits for the right moment...

The Man jumps from the tree. He lands on top of the speeding train. The wind gets knocked out of him.

He rolls along the carriage and falls of the edge.

We see him hooked onto the side of the train by the strap holding the sleeping bag to his back. He manages to get a grip and climb down and onto the back entrance of the carriage.

Amazed to be alive he forces the door and gets inside.

INT. TRAIN - BAGGAGE HOLD - DAY

He unstraps the sleeping bag from his back. He checks out the strap. It was ready to snap.

MAN
Thanks again old man.

He checks out the room. Hundreds of bags lie unattended.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TRAIN - BAGGAGE HOLD - LATER

Lots of the bags have been opened. The Man has a pile of cash and valuables.

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The train sounds its horn. They are approaching a station.

The man rushes to stuff the loot into Mulanskys bag and heads for the door of the carriage.

He stops and looks back.

CUT TO:

EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY

The train has come to a standstill in WESTVILLE. A few of people unload.

We see The Man dressed smartly in good clothes stolen from the baggage hold, he also has a new bag.

He leaves the station and heads for the main road.

Despin out.

eddie · December 9th, 2002, 09:32 AM

ooh...very intrieging, I like that, not much dialog, and lots of strange clues.
Its a good beginning.
It could be set at just about any time or place - could be a western, could be science fiction.
And is pretty sinister.
good luck

**ac_01** · December 9th, 2002, 05:21 PM

Its good. Does everything that an opening should - hook the reader in. As a suggestion, if "The Man" is going to be your main character you might want to give him a name.