suicide

[Hannibal]

It's not until the blood stops dripping,
Across my eyes,
That I realize the damage,
I have become.

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To hate is to show you still care, who needs that? Focus on what's really important.
The best revenge, is to survive yourself.

[parch]

interesting and you spoke to me.
not haiku.
nice lines though, there is action, transition, and one of the senses.


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I am my new Religion
I am my non Decision

[Hannibal]

3 of those lines hit me while attempting to sleep last night, 1 was dded in, can you guess which one!?

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.

[machinery]

across my eyes? is that the line daddy?

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[Hannibal]

*ding ding*
we have a winner!!!


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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.

[parch]

thank you for pointing that out

guess what.

it is better without the added line.
even more concise and to the point w/o it, and if you don't need it, in this instance - you just don't need it.

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I am my new Religion
I am my non Decision

[Hannibal]

You think so?? I guess I never looked at like that, but it works. *nods and takes note* Thanks guys.

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.

[machinery]

definitely....cos, when I read it, that line really didn't fit (or as parch said, wasn't needed)

this work, is questioning...in a good way...

it reminds me of a haiku one of my fellow students wrote on the board today

"she passed him the salt
He gave her the whole wheat bread
and her sanity"

now I want you to think about this one, undertones and all....

and think of why your work reminds me of this one.......

hint - has to do with your last line.....(to me anyways)



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[Hannibal]

It's not until the blood stops dripping,
That I realize the damage,
I have become.


I'm not quite sure where you see the correlation, unless perhaps your seeing it as he gives her her sanity, as I see what I've become, which is kind of like getting my sanity back? Am I on the right track?

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.

[machinery]

well ok....it's like this...

I want you to see the transition in both works (yours & that haiku)

the first two lines meet nicely, then bam the last lines bring in another image and/or idea...somewhat the essence of haiku....

see what I am getting at?
I try to do that with my haiku, but sometimes it gets very hard....

I was just pointing out how I liked your transition in lines....nicely done


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