Tucked tightly between matchbox sheets, the cars
move in rhythm with his soft breathing.
Ringlets frame chubby cheeks and the wet puddle
that spreads from his mouth to the trucks on his pillow.
Something in his dreams distorts his face--
peels away his serenity and he turns away from her
to dampen the other side of his pillow.
She continues
sacrificing pride and flesh to keep him
calm--to protect the child from his temper--
attempting to absorb his anger at all costs. Her hands
reach out to shield her swollen face. His fury
echoes down the hall, then falls to the floor
defeated by her submission to his blows.
(The eighth line should be indented to meet the seventh line, but this stupid thing won't let me do that for some reason, so just keep that in mind as you read [img]smile.gif[/img]
Loved the ending...
but was utterly confused getting there...
got some pictures, but it was more like just little flashes of this and that, that didn't fit together, then at the end of the poem it's all crystal clear wha that last picture should be.
To me I'd like to see more description of the first part...
Good poem though... Machinery chimes all the time about revisions being super important...
I think this could be wonderful with a little of that...
Which pieces would you like to see more description on? Cuz I could definitely work more in. Was it the beginning of the second stanza that got ya confused? If so, I'll tweak it.
ok ok - I read it again... this time very slowly...
and it made much more sense.
but they're laying there and he's sleeping, then at the end he's punching her? Or did punch her?
There's a disjunction there somewhere... it just goes from one scene to another.. or at least that's how I read it...
But the beginning makes much more sense to me now having read it a bunch of times [img]smile.gif[/img] each more slowly than the last.
In the beginning, she's tucking in her son. In the second stanza, her husband is beating her, and it is implied that she takes the beating to protect her son from him.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">huh - i guess that's why they're matchbox sheets...Originally posted by Kalyope:
In the beginning, she's tucking in her son. In the second stanza, her husband is beating her, and it is implied that she takes the beating to protect her son from him.
hehe
Posting Permissions
Bookmarks